Friday, October 02, 2015

The TeaTails

"So there you go, welcome to the real world.."

For a moment I do not know what to say. I had been fearing that this was coming, but the way my Friend had replied to my messages had kept my suspicions at bay. Really, why else would you just travel to Budapest to work when you had an office in Berlin? You must have been having fun, in addition to being idiosyncratic, I had reasoned.

Not that I care. Or maybe I did, and still do, just a little, a hard lump which refuses to dissolve...

My Friend has just quit his job. Well, not just. I am just getting informed about it.

My Friend has just finished explaining to me why.

"So, what now?", I ask.

"..I work full time for my dream project. To find my own company."

"Oh,.." I breathe in sharply, "that is cool? " I can't really stop being optimistic irrespective of the situation.

"Not via the same channel though ..., that isn't going to work..."

"okay...", I hopefully paused.

Truth be told, I don't understand a bit about how companies work. Or how to start them. It is just that I never thought about it.

".. but it can equally well fail, you know, and then I am left with nothing.. "

 Of course I see that, I am not so naive. But I don't say that. 

".. I am sure that you are going to succeed..", I say.

"... I am not so sure about that, eh..", my Friend cuts me in.

 It puzzles and annoys me. Why be pessimistic if you are starting a venture? You need lots of hope and inspiration to see it through. 

" Well, at least I am sitting with the CEO of a company, drinking beer. Something I have always wanted to. Something so exotic.."

 "You've had beer with me before..."

 "Not while you were the CEO..", I smile.

 My Friend makes a face showing that this is nothing exotic.

Oh my, I wonder silently, rather annoyed, this isn't how I had imagined the meeting to be going. Meeting with this friend is always mysterious. I even prepare my replies in my mind beforehand, but every time I meet this friend, everything becomes topsy-turvy. And it never helps that we meet once every couple of months even though we live in the same city.

"So, what do you want to drink next?", he asked.

 We had just finished a beer in a cute-looking bar, a cute-hipster look, which is a default in Berlin.

"I dunno, maybe another beer?...No wait, it is a disgrace to get only beer here. I will get the long island coffee".

 My bad habit comes out always I see chocolate or coffee. Thank God, it is at least alcoholic.

"okay good, I will buy you one. I will get a gin and tonic", he states.

 There is a guy at the bar already, asking the Bartender a lot of questions about teas infused with syrups and liquors. We listen in to the conversation. He wants to have an idea what the white silver needle tea actually is, in the concoction "Silver Linings".

 "Does Cointreau go well with this, I wonder...", we hear him asking the Bartender in German.

 The Bartender is not German, her accent makes it obvious. I can easily detect these things now. She is even from an English speaking country.

 The speciality of this bar is that it makes alcohol-infused-tea, a place in the Bergmannkiez. And the one alcohol infused coffee, the one I am going to drink.

 "You're a fussy customer", my Friend suddenly chimes in, the moment the Bartender turns around to make the drink. I can see Guy smiling mildly, and own up.

 "What are you getting?", I see the Man replying.

"A gin and tonic, infused with tea of course..."

 The conversation continues for a brief while. The spark in the Man's eyes tells me that he is interested, even though Someone is waiting for him.

 The Man has just asked for a glass of orange juice as the Bartender brought his drink.

 "well, another simple juice, and then I am gone..", and he talks more, without throwing any glances at me, ignoring me completely.

  I stare on, I cannot say anything meaningful, I always fail to come up with something clever to say in situations like this.

 The Guy finally leaves, and my Friend gets the drinks.

 "So, how was Budapest?", I ask lamely

 "Oh, it was wonderful. There was so much to see, it was so wonderful.."

 "Did you go into the Buda castle?", I ask, drawing on my visit last year to make some intelligent conversation.

"No, not really. I didn't manage to do the sightseeing, I was working there as well..."

 Seven days in a completely new city and no sightseeing, I wonder to myself. Did you even fuck, I want to ask.

"oh? did you have good internet connection?"

"well, I bought a phone 4G SIM, and used the connection there, it was all right".

We go on, lamely making conversation, not enjoying any of the tea-tails the place offered, but each of us lost in our own world of tea-tales. I can see from the eyes that my Friend is thinking of so many things at the same time. Me too. But we are speaking of things so far removed.

 "you know, this is difficult, the real-world.."

 "I know..", I say lamely.

 And where were you living all this time, I wonder. But I know that my Friend knows. From what I know, my Friend did not have a very smooth life. Even after coming to Berlin.

 But I know what a real- life can be. Really, I know. Trust me. While my Friend had been trying to burn job prospects, I have successfully burnt out my personal life and happiness in the past year. But my Friend is relentless: "you have to meet more people. you are just not doing enough...", I was told the last time, ".. people are not unreasonable, you know."

 "But they are..", I insisted.

 "..you just have to meet more people. you are not doing enough..."

 "but I did, I do,..", I defended my comment.

 "Just how many people did you meet?.."

  And so the conversation had run, several months before. Before I had left for a month long trip to the Far East. The convinced shaking of another person's head had done nothing to improve my street smartness. None of these conversations had helped. At the end of every conversation, my Friend got to know more and more about me, but, in return, I only got to increase my knowledge incrementally, about things that did not count.

  My Friend has no idea how hard I am trying to get into the real world. For a long time, I lived in a fairy land, full of the mystery of quantum mechanics, and protected by strong boundaries (which some call geekiness -- we liked to call it intellectualism, and passion for research). Strong feelings, strong dedication to forwarding the frontiers of human knowledge, probing into the Mind of God. Until last year. When all Hell had broken loose. But that is another story.

 The tea-tails finish.

 "Hey, want to try something different?", I ask suddenly, pointing at the empty glasses, cutting my Friend in the middle of a comment on how my Friend's ex-boyfriend used to like fruit teas and my Friend used to hate them.

 My Friend looks up: "what?"

 "Shots? But this one is on me.."

  I have an idea, suddenly, very much like my physics realizations, which come at single instants of time. I recall a short film on YouTube which I had seen long, long ago. I don't even remember it fully, but the idea, the seed of the idea -- it is there in my brain.

 "okay"

 "Sit here. I will get them. Any preference?"

 "hmm... Tequila"

 I get them.

 "Six shots?" My Friend eyes me questioningly, when I come back, stopping to play with the mobile. 

 "Yes. Three for each of us... maybe a bit more for the loser," I say.

"Why loser?", my Friend asks, puzzled.

"Because we play a little game for the shots with three statements..."

 I can see my Friend's eyes open fractionally wide.

 "What game?"

 "You tell me three things about you, one of which has to be a lie, and the other two complete truths. I have to guess the lie. And one of the statements has to involve the both of us, whether the truth or the false one, it doesn't matter. If I guess correctly, you have to drink a shot. If I cannot, then I will take a shot. Same for you. We alternate."

 My friend flounders for a while, thinking. Finally, I see the shoulders shrugging assent.

"You go first..", I hear.

From nothing, the tea-tales suddenly become the centre of attention. The background noise in the cute-hipster cafe has gone up, cocooning us both in a comfortable cushion of i-am-not-listening-nor-do-i-care.

 "okay", I hear myself saying, "First: I got an extension on my job, now I can live in Germany permanently. Second: I missed my breakfast today.."

 "what, what kind of statement is that?", my Friend interrupts.

 "well, either a true or a false one..", I smile

 "okay, go on,.."

 "finally, remember the first night we spent bar hopping, getting completely drunk? That has been the night I enjoyed the most in this city."

 I stop, and look at my Friend. My Friend looks away.

 "You had your breakfast today. You picked up your broetchen from that shop like you do every day."

 I push a shot glass in the direction of my Friend. I see the shoulders droop a little, but the shot is gone in a single gulp.

 "What is the lie then?", the eyes shoot a persistent glance at me.

 "Your turn. If we survive the end of this game, we will disclose the truth. Not until then. " I say.

 I sense the dissatisfaction, the supressed snarl that tries to come up on the face. But my Friend looks at me and says nothing for five seconds.

 "Okay, my turn then. First, North Sea was really fun. I just told you it was boring so that  you will not feel bad", the eyes are not looking at me anymore, but are drooping down.

 "Second, my sister is quitting her job to help me with the effort for the project and the new company. Third, the company offered to pay me handsomely, if I decided to skip with the startup, but give the idea to them."

 The eyes are defiant again, looking at me.

 "Well, your sister loves you, but she cannot risk losing her job". I finish. "At least that's what I think".

  Another glass is suddenly empty, and the eyes are not flickering any more. I had my Friend's full attention. Nothing else is going to interfere with our tea-tales until the end.

 "The ball is back in my court, then", I start. "First of all, remember that guy who broke up with me on WhatsApp, after sleeping with me? He wrote me the other day. He wants to meet up, and would like to be together again. He wants to give it another shot. I refused him. Second: My father is not doing well, again. He is back to the hospital. Third: Remember the last weekend when I visited Amsterdam? I didn't want to, I only did that because you went without me to Budapest and to the North Sea. I did not enjoy Amsterdam in the least".

 The genuine confusion in my friend's eyes was apparent. We were silent for a long time.

 "How did you refuse him? What did you say?", broke the background buzz.
A candle was glowing on our table, and both of us were staring intently into it.

 "I told him that I am hopelessly in love with someone else".

 Again silence, only broken by the cheerful but indifferent mutter around.

 " I don't like this game...", I finally hear my Friend say.

 "Well, we are playing it, nevertheless. Let's not be cowards and leave it unfinished, okay? As you said, welcome to real world", suddenly my voice is much more firm than I intend it to be.

 "The fact about your Amsterdam trip", comes the meek retort.

 I push another shot glass in the other direction. No resistance this time, another gulp and it is gone.

 "Okay, then two more to go. Let's see if you miss this time.  The first one: Remember the time when we took a walk through Schoeneberg? We passed right in front of my ex-boyfriend's house. I wouldn't have been able to do that had you not been with me. The second one:  You are really the best friend that I have in this city who is not just interested in sleeping with me. Third: I was out on a date yesterday, where I enjoyed a lot".

 My turn to stop and think. Two out of three facts about us. I am clearly not prepared for this. I think for quite a while. Most likely one of them is not the truth.

 "Well, I am guessing the second one. You have a better friend than me?", I say but I am very unsure now.

"Yeah, right, very right..", my Friend smirks, and I am offered a shot glass with a firm hand.

 I drink it up. My first shot. I am happy and dismayed at the same time. The second one is not a lie. So I do matter, in some small unimportant way, I still do. Maybe the Schoneberg business is a lie.. Or, there was no date yesterday. But I don't have more time to dwell on it. I have to think. This is the last round. Stakes are higher.

 "First: I am seeing someone, and I like him, and he cares for me. In some way".

 I again see the dawn of uncertainty in the eyes looking into me. What was the lie last time?

"Second: That night we went to the Sudblock, remember? The next day you asked me if I was alright, and I said yes. Remember?"

 My Friend nods.

 "I was not alright. I was upset, very upset. I went running just to forget everything. It sounds very dramatic now, I know, but it wasn't back then, I promise you. I was very jealous, and annoyed. I was jealous that the guy with the bag slung on his shoulders started dancing with you. He put his hands around your shoulders and started dancing. I was jealous because every time we have met, and have gone out, I have tried to touch you, hug you close, but I never gathered the courage. I never dared, after you told me you told me that you viewed me only as a friend. I did not want to lose our friendship. But I was hopelessly in love with you. And all you told me was to meet other people. And I got annoyed because I couldn't do that, I can't go to a stranger and start flirting. I could never do that. But I could have loved you. Truly."

 I stop. I am reeling under the pressure of what I have just said, I cannot believe that I said all this. I don't know what to say next. My Friend is looking at me.

 "You have another one to go."

 "Yeah, I ... well, I still feel butterflies in my stomach when I meet you."

 "Listen", my Friend starts, "I don't want to guess which one is a lie. As I said, I don't like this game anymore; especially it is not a game anymore. We will go on hurting each other like this. And I don't care about the lie anymore. But, since we started, let's just see it through. I will give you my three statements."

 "First: You know the first night we met. It was the most enjoyable night I have had. But you know, this is the real world. Good things happen only now and then. Second: Look, you have been special as a friend. Most of the good friends I have had, had to be made through their bedrooms. You have been a rare exception. Third: I could never care any less for you, but at the same time I cannot fall in love with you. Such is my curse. I hope you will understand it some day. And I have known that you have been in love with me for a long time. It hasn't been easy to keep meeting with you knowing that every time we met you would probably fall in deeper while I cannot give anything back. But in not meeting you, I would have hurt you even more. And I couldn't bear to be like the dickhead you described to me once who hurt you badly in Switzerland."

 "Now the game is over. I have told you, you are welcome to guess, but I don't want to find out the lie. So, I will just get going..."

 He gathers up his coat and looks into my eyes, deep and unblinking. He does not ask him to join him, and I sit in my chair mesmerized in thought. He bends down for his goodbye hug against my body which is largely lifeless now. However, he pauses before leaving me, and brushes his lips momentarily against my cheeks holding them steady for a single breath and pressing in lightly. Technical terms call it a kiss.

 "Let's be in touch ...", he whispers in my ear, drinks up another shot and leaves...

 There is a single unfinished shot lying on the table. The muttering around goes on, unabated. This is Berlin, you do not get noticed for heartbreaks or hopes, for everyone is carrying their own.


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